Yeah, it’s a vampire. Not just a vampire though, the most perfect specimen of masculinity ever created. (Thank you Stephenie Meyer, for making it even harder for men to pick up chicks. Bitch.) Most men out there would rather eat salted barbed wire than sit through a Twilight movie but before you go dialing 911 in advance, I may have an out for you.
So, When Fairy Met Valley-Girl Part III hits theaters, your woman will want to go see it, and she’ll want to drag you along for the torture. If you tell her you don’t want to go she’ll ask you why or accuse you of not loving her and a fight will ensue. (Unless you have a cool girlfriend/spouse who’s down with not making you suffer, that is.) Now, while we’ve already covered how to apologize, avoiding the apology is our goal here, so you’ve got to weasel your way out of it without upsetting her highness. The best method I’ve come up with is substitution.
No, not that kind! Well, sort of. When she looks at you with those shining eyes and that little bit of sloppy drool hanging out of the corner of her mouth, and asks you to go see the destruction of everything you’ve ever held sacred about vampires, try this; offer to pay for her to go with her girlfriends, and tell her you’ll go see another chick flick with her. Now this won’t help you dodge chick flicks all together, but let’s be honest, anything is better than Twilight. Anything. (Remember the barbed wire?)
This may not work for you. You may be trapped with no way out, but this is probably your best shot. If all else fails, while you’re sitting there listening to hundreds of women sigh over the amazing airbrush abs of Taylor Launter, you can always imagine a thousand and one ways to kill Edward Cullen.
Method Number 1: Acid tank
Method Number 2: Shark attack
…
When you screw up, you know it. She knows it. Hell, five minutes after it happens, everyone knows it. (Thank you, Facebook.) But there’s always the chance for redemption, slim though it sometimes may be. Handling that delicate, and often flighty, opportunity to grovel at her dainty I-wear-$200-shoes-that-you-pay-for feet can be tricky, and one false step lands you couch surfing for a week. So what do you do?
Well, it’s different for every woman, but I’ll tell you what you don’t do. You don’t buy her flowers with a cute little note and expect that to take care of it, no sir. Flowers say I’m sorry, true enough, but over-usage of this method can do far more damage than good. If you give her flowers every time you screw up, she’s going to start thinking, pretty quickly, that this is a cop-out. That you’re buying flowers because it’s the simplest way to say I’m sorry; you don’t have to put much effort into it, therefore you don’t mean it as much as if you’d say, organized to have Cirque du Soleil preform in your backyard while her favorite band provides the background music during her very own private concert.
Now clearly flying acrobats and Bon Jovi are unrealistic expectations on her part, but the point is this; do something that will seem, in her mind, like it took a bit of effort. The amount of effort it appears to have taken is directly proportional to how quickly the water you’re in cools down. Whether your symbol of how incredibly sorry you are that you forgot to take out the trash took five seconds to coordinate or not is irrelevant, so long as she thinks it took five hours, and never finds out otherwise. (A good side note here would be cover your tracks. She finds a receipt that says your apology gift cost three bucks at your local Quicky Mart and she’ll hang you from the nearest flagpole allowing you to reveal your new status as a eunuch.)
Recap: No repeats, make it appear as long it took you a minute, and cover your tracks.
Most women prefer you not have a reason to apologize though, because it means you’ve already accepted their superiority and are no longer testing the length of your leash.
The purpose of this blog is to simplify the actions of women. I’ll be taking the crazy, strange, confusing, and often ridiculous things women do, and breaking them down for you. It’s my sincere hope that by doing this, men will be better able to understand why they feel trapped in a verbal corner that Houdini himself couldn’t escape from unscathed. Trust me when I say they had no idea how right they were when they penned the line “Oh what tangled webs we weave.”.
My first tip is this; don’t fight with her, you will not win. The title of this post directly refers to this. (It’s a reference to Highlander, the series, and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’d better be finding your way to iMDB and looking up Adrian Paul.) There can be only one winner in any fight, and it will always be her. Now before you start screaming affirmative action and crying because all she’ll let you watch is half a football game, think about it; she wins because she fights better.
Women have different styles of fighting, but karate isn’t one of them. (Usually.)
- The screamer - While in the bedroom this can be a turn on, in a fight it’s like and injured owl roosting outside your window at 3 a.m. when he feels the need to sing his final song. She starts out yelling, and before you know it, she’s screaming so shrilly you can’t even discern what she’s saying anymore. Do your eardrums a favor and agree with her before she turns into a train whistle.
- The crier - Guys don’t want to watch girls cry any more than chicks want to cry to get their way. But cry they will and believe me when I tell you that those tears can go on for hours if you don’t cut that one off at the pass.
- The ones who don’t fight fair - These are the dirty, cheap-hit-landing, below the belt type fighters, and they won’t stop until you’re begging for mercy on a cheap linoleum floor while the dissect your testicles slowly. I’m pretty sure this might beat out Chinese water torture. If your woman fights like this, you might as well put on the Twilight shirt, pre-order the tickets for the newest chick flick, and clear your schedule for an all day shopping trip in which you are nothing more than a glorified baggage handler. She probably already has your balls in a jar on the mantle right now, as you’re reading this.
Now, there are other ways in which women fight, some women employing more than one ass-shredding technique, but those are the worst. No matter what you do, there is no way to escape unscathed from a confrontation with a woman. You will either lose the battle and owe her huge, lose a large chunk of your flesh, lose your hearing, lose your television privileges, or end up shackled to housework for a week to make it up to her.
(You all look so adorable in those aprons, too.)
My next blog will address the proper ways to apologize through chocolate, flowers, and other signs of your affection, and the improper ways that will lose you the beer and poker night.
