The purpose of this blog is to simplify the actions of women. I’ll be taking the crazy, strange, confusing, and often ridiculous things women do, and breaking them down for you. It’s my sincere hope that by doing this, men will be better able to understand why they feel trapped in a verbal corner that Houdini himself couldn’t escape from unscathed. Trust me when I say they had no idea how right they were when they penned the line “Oh what tangled webs we weave.”.
My first tip is this; don’t fight with her, you will not win. The title of this post directly refers to this. (It’s a reference to Highlander, the series, and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’d better be finding your way to iMDB and looking up Adrian Paul.) There can be only one winner in any fight, and it will always be her. Now before you start screaming affirmative action and crying because all she’ll let you watch is half a football game, think about it; she wins because she fights better.
Women have different styles of fighting, but karate isn’t one of them. (Usually.)
- The screamer - While in the bedroom this can be a turn on, in a fight it’s like and injured owl roosting outside your window at 3 a.m. when he feels the need to sing his final song. She starts out yelling, and before you know it, she’s screaming so shrilly you can’t even discern what she’s saying anymore. Do your eardrums a favor and agree with her before she turns into a train whistle.
- The crier - Guys don’t want to watch girls cry any more than chicks want to cry to get their way. But cry they will and believe me when I tell you that those tears can go on for hours if you don’t cut that one off at the pass.
- The ones who don’t fight fair - These are the dirty, cheap-hit-landing, below the belt type fighters, and they won’t stop until you’re begging for mercy on a cheap linoleum floor while the dissect your testicles slowly. I’m pretty sure this might beat out Chinese water torture. If your woman fights like this, you might as well put on the Twilight shirt, pre-order the tickets for the newest chick flick, and clear your schedule for an all day shopping trip in which you are nothing more than a glorified baggage handler. She probably already has your balls in a jar on the mantle right now, as you’re reading this.
Now, there are other ways in which women fight, some women employing more than one ass-shredding technique, but those are the worst. No matter what you do, there is no way to escape unscathed from a confrontation with a woman. You will either lose the battle and owe her huge, lose a large chunk of your flesh, lose your hearing, lose your television privileges, or end up shackled to housework for a week to make it up to her.
(You all look so adorable in those aprons, too.)
My next blog will address the proper ways to apologize through chocolate, flowers, and other signs of your affection, and the improper ways that will lose you the beer and poker night.
